Question The Meaning You Give Things.
Updated: Feb 14, 2019
Interviewer: Are they other suggestions for couples that you feel would be helpful?
Greg: If you can get more aware of when you’re giving meaning to what your partner is doing or not doing.
Interviewer: What would be an example of that?
Greg: They’re disrespecting me. That’s “the meaning” you are giving what they did. Then you get the matching feeling of anger and then you get conflict.
Interviewer: How can you catch yourself when you are doing that?
Greg: Using your feelings as a resource. If you get angry, that’s an alert you gave meaning to what they did. Then you want to question your perceptive: Is there any other way I can look at what they did? Or you can step back from those angry thoughts and create some space for wisdom to flow in and create some understanding.
Interviewer: We are essentially making the meaning up?
Greg: You got it.
Here is a mind-blowing principle: When you’re in a relationship you are not really in a relationship with that person – you are in a relationship with your thoughts about that person. Another way of saying that is, whatever “meaning” you give that person’s actions or non-actions is in fact the relationship. Literally! I know, its pretty wild! So the more you see that 99% of the time you are making that “meaning” up, the more you will avoid disconnection with your partner and misunderstanding. We all do this! It’s totally innocent. They are not trying to piss you off! We making it all up in our head! Use you negative feelings in all its shapes and degrees to alert you that you are probably giving meaning to what they just did. “Well, it’s obvious you don’t care about me!” Question that perspective. Stop speaking from it or throwing up over your partner with it! Take a breath. Allow your innate wisdom to flow up some helpful thinking.
Gregory Drambour is the owner of Sedona Sacred Journeys and considered one of the top Couples Counselors in North America. He is the author of three books on practical spirituality.